remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
