wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
