the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
