I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
