one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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