i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
