the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
