Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
