Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
