He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
