i already hear my dad disowning me
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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