Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
