Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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