Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize