I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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