nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
