just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
