My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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