There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Can I color on your dick again?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
