i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
