I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
