just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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