He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize