Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
