Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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