Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Less talking, more tequila
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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