And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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