Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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