Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
