Swine flu. Run for my life!
i would punch a child for taco bell
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
