Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
