So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
