Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
