I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
im holly from the hills drunk
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
