I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
