She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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