Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
