So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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