You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
