Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
