Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
