im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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