So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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