I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
