Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
