Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
