hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
