She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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