I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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