chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
