he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
