you guys were way drunker than both of me
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
