I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
