i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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