Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize