I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
