I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You may now shotgun with the bride
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
