My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
