I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
