Sry I called you an 8
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize