The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
